Confession #12: I'm Deathly Afraid of Death

As far back as I can remember, I have been afraid of death and dying. I had animals die and distant relatives die, some older friends die...none of which brought me to the understanding of the act much less subside my fears. It wasn't until our time with cancer and necrotizing fasciitis that my fear truly became palpable.

I'm a control freak and suddenly coming to the realization that I have absolutely NO control over what happens in my life but that the only thing I do have control over is my reaction to it all was and is too much! I have spent the last 4 1/2 years trying to cope with it all.

I thought that with the birth of my son that my life was really starting only to find that it was trying to end. I felt I was at the beginning of something wonderful instead of something beyond my scope of reasoning. Then I read in my current book something that helps me to come to terms with "beginnings". It says, "Beginnings could happen more than once, or in different ways. You could think you were starting afresh, when actually what you were doing was carrying on as before." MIND BLOWN!

We're about to make the biggest physical move since we have been married. I thought we were starting something big and new in our lives a few months ago with school and weight loss, and Pampered Chef, just to find out it was only in preparation of what was to come. Not death exactly but maybe in a different form. Death of a life too frustrating to explain and the start of a new life, per say, in the way of a move?

I don't know, either way I'm still scared...