Confession #18: Bah Humbug!

I must admit, I have never really liked Christmas. I've never really had a good Christmas, so I guess that counts for my holiday apathy. Even as an adult I've had hard times that seem to run around the holiday season.

I've always felt like a grump, a Grinch...

I'm hoping for a new way of thinking for the next holiday season. Check in next time for how I hope to achieve that...

Confession #17: Why I Blog

I know when looking through the myriad blogs out there in the blogosphere, "Why do they do it?" Some people have loads of followers and awesome posts answering life's questions: food, crafts, motherhood. So why, with my zero followers and self-plugging do I blog?

Because I want to. This is my form of cheap therapy. If I can think, feel like other people read this stuff then maybe, just maybe someone out there will get me. Someone will understand and say, "I feel, think, act the same way!" In essence I'm looking for others like me. I'm hoping I'm not the only loon that thinks the way I do, that does the things I do. That in some small way I will be found guiltless before the Grand Blogger and Reader because, really, they think and act similarly and judging me would be like judging themselves.

I know I'm dramatic, but hey! That's just me I guess.

Confession #16: Running On Empty

At the beginning of the year, I went for a jog every single morning (except Sunday...girl's gotta rest sometime!) I had a training schedule and everything because after a near 20 year hiatus, I was going to complete a 5K! That's right! Weighing in at a whopping 260 pounds, come heck or high water, I was determined to do this 5K by the middle of March.

And for a little over 2 months I was out there plugging along early in the morning with my trusty dog Lucie. But then...then I started losing interest in it all. I was no longer feeling fulfilled as I once was when I first started out. I searched inwardly for the answer, hoping and praying it wasn't just because I was fat and lazy. And YEA! It wasn't because I was fat and lazy...it was because I was missing something. I can't believe it took me so long to realize but I was missing my morning snuggles.

That's right folks. I still snuggle my 4 1/2 year old in bed in the mornings...well, most mornings. Some mornings snuggling is "boring" (his word, not mine). I realized that my good mood was set by the warm fuzzies a young snuggle can bring.

I decided that the snuggles were more important to me right now than jogging in the morning with the dog. But just in case you thought I wimped out on that 5k...

TA-DA! I went through with it and made it the finish line. I can't tell you my time because I wasn't keeping track. This run was all for me!

Confession #15: I LOVE My Husband!

My Great Grandmother and the Love of her life

I suppose it should be no surprise that I truly love my husband, but I just had to make this confession today because today is our anniversary! We have had a rocky time at being married (I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about)...We've had some crazy things happen to us that I thought NEVER would, some good, some bad. Finally, after 8 years I think I have figured out all the answers to every marriage question, how to be not only the perfect wife but also the perfect mother, know how to completely balance a checkbook, donate to all the right organizations...ah, the list can on and on!

...not really...

I only know of some things NOT to do...sometimes BUT I do know that I have finally found the Best Friend I have been searching for my ENTIRE life.

When I think about my marriage and the man who wakes up beside me every morning despite all the things that have tried to stop that from happening and that song from The Sound of Music comes to my mind. You know the one...

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Yeah, that's about right... 

Confession #14: Okay, So I DON'T Know It All

Okay, so I don't have a diploma from the Knowitall University...I admit I know practically NOTHING about a lot of things. Today some friends and I were talking about unity and family and how they keep it all together and I realized I don't have any of that! I don't have family unity and I don't have the personal examples they all seemed to have. I was even asked my opinion on something and I had to admit that I had no clue and that in fact I was taking notes on what they were talking about!

I thought I was doing okay but in reality everything is so mixed up. Nothing is in order, nothing is set right. Of course I can excuse some of it because we're in the middle of a huge move for my little family but I can think back a few years and realize how lost I really was/am.

I was listening and taking mental note on what was said and how happy everyone was talking about how their families get together and talk about stuff, how they've supported each other through thick and thin, and I was sad. One lady piped up and told me I shouldn't be sad because I can start all of this right now for my own little circle. Then I was overwhelmed because instead of having years of experience and examples of what to do and what not to do, I have to start from scratch! Sure, I have friend's examples but I no one to call in the middle of the night when things are really, really bad and I need reassurance right then and there...it's just me, and my husband, and God.

I suppose I'm the pioneer on more levels than I thought...yet another thing I didn't know about...

Confession #13: Sometimes I Just Want to Strangle My Kid!

Okay, I admit it: sometimes I want to wrangle my kid's neck! Don't get me wrong; I LOVE my kid, but there are times that he does or says, or doesn't do or say things that make me...OOOHHH!

(Just so you know, no children, including mine, have been harmed in the making of this blog)

It gets worse or so I hear. My sweet little cuddle-bug who longed for me to hold him is pushing away, and that's supposed to be a good thing. I'm trying to recognize this now so when he's a teenager I'm not thrown completely off my guard! One can only hope...

Confession #12: I'm Deathly Afraid of Death

As far back as I can remember, I have been afraid of death and dying. I had animals die and distant relatives die, some older friends die...none of which brought me to the understanding of the act much less subside my fears. It wasn't until our time with cancer and necrotizing fasciitis that my fear truly became palpable.

I'm a control freak and suddenly coming to the realization that I have absolutely NO control over what happens in my life but that the only thing I do have control over is my reaction to it all was and is too much! I have spent the last 4 1/2 years trying to cope with it all.

I thought that with the birth of my son that my life was really starting only to find that it was trying to end. I felt I was at the beginning of something wonderful instead of something beyond my scope of reasoning. Then I read in my current book something that helps me to come to terms with "beginnings". It says, "Beginnings could happen more than once, or in different ways. You could think you were starting afresh, when actually what you were doing was carrying on as before." MIND BLOWN!

We're about to make the biggest physical move since we have been married. I thought we were starting something big and new in our lives a few months ago with school and weight loss, and Pampered Chef, just to find out it was only in preparation of what was to come. Not death exactly but maybe in a different form. Death of a life too frustrating to explain and the start of a new life, per say, in the way of a move?

I don't know, either way I'm still scared...

Confession #10: Bon Bons and Soap Operas

Okay, I admit it! I used to sit on the sofa watching soap operas, eating bon bons! Just so you know, I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. LOL

I learned it by watching my mother doing it while I growing up. I also had a Spanish nanny that would watch nothing else! I learned a lot about Latin love from those shows.

I didn't know what bon bons were, really. I heard people make fun of those that partook of the delicious treats but never understood that those were what my mother would sit and eat, stereotypically every single day.

So like every bad habit, I had to try it once and I was hooked. I mean, how can you turn down chocolatized sweets and learning of the new relationship Erica Kane and her crazy family?!

What's really funny is that I don't even watch TV anymore and definitely don't know what's going on in the soap world. The last time I watched a soap, Sarah Michelle Geller was on Swans Crossing and One Life to Live was HOT!

Confession #9: Inadequacy

 We all have feelings of inadequacy, right? I'm not the only one? I have a problem...I constantly compare myself to others and I find myself lacking. I want to be the perfect mom with my perfect 2.7 children. I want to have the perfectly clean home and have my children be brilliant and polite simply because that's the way I am.
But I don't.

Sure my kid has moments of brilliance and he is a complete gentleman...anywhere but at home. My house is certainly not clean and I am no one to look up to as the paragon of mothers everywhere.

I wasn't raised by the best of mothers either. She certainly had her faults and I'm sure I'm as hard on her as I am on myself. But that's because I think I can do better...sometimes. Other times I think that this is as good as I get and I wonder if that's good enough.

But I'm nearly 99.9% certain I am not alone in this confession, merely for the fact that we are all human and humans are screwing up all over the place: at home, at work, at church, in society at-large.

My kid seems to think I'm doing okay, most of the time. When he's hurting I'm the one he runs to. When I get him from Playcare, he immediately jumps off the lap of another mother to come running to me. He's excited to get me up in the morning and snuggle if only for a little bit now. And I suppose that is enough, for now. I have room for improvement of course, but if I realize this and move on learning something new every day, I think we'll both turn out alright.

Confession #8: I LIVE For Platitudes

I love inspiring words, even if they are misquoted at times. Something about a platitude makes me think just a little more. I know they can be trite and vague, but I guess that's just who I am and that's why they speak to me the way they do...

I often do the things that are mentioned in these tidbits of inspiration. I have lived my life and these seem to say exactly what I've been through!

SEE?!

I know platitudes get a lot of guff for not being filled with wisdom for all and this article explains the possible reasons behind it all and what the difference between platitudes and maxims are. For my part, maxims tend to be more sarcastic and pessimistic whereas a good platitude seeks to inspire in a sometimes naive tone.

Confession #7: I Breastfed!

That's right folks! Despite my complete lack of Mommy training, I breastfed my kid. Thankfully God saw fit that my son knew what to do from birth. But my true confession isn't simply that I chose me over can, but that I did so for 2 1/2 years. Yes, YEARS!

I saw to it that my kid would get the most benefit of being a baby. I did my research. I found that breastfeeding was most beneficial in this disease-riddled world. I also must admit here that I was determined to breastfeed because my husband was diagnosed with cancer just two weeks after our son was born. SO with cancer knocking at his back door, I had to make sure I was offering him THE best I could.

It may seem more than a little crazy to feed from the boob longer than 6 months (and boy did I get the riot act when I continued WAY past that from family). Here's the truth of it all: I felt this was the ONLY thing I could get right as a new mommy knowing nothing. Breastfeeding literally came naturally to me...and my son. I didn't need any counseling, I didn't need any help. I would tell docs and fam alike, "I got this!" Plus, he was so cute when he would find the Boppy that I hid and had it dragging down the hall telling me he found it so we could have our "Special Time"!

It broke my heart to finally let go of this vice. But I let it end just as naturally as it had begun. I stopped reminding him. I stopped offering it. I waited until he brought it up and when he hadn't for two days, it was over. My body stopped producing and our "Special Time" ended.

We still do stuff together and have fun and I would call that Special but it will never be the same...I suppose it shouldn't, but I still miss it.

Confession #6: On My Own

I was not an only child but my sister and I were 8 1/2 years apart and never very close. I was the baby of my ENTIRE family until I was 18 when my cousin had his first child. I never babysat a baby in my life. I never held a baby, never changed a diaper, nothing! I was never shown how or what to expect. My mother never raised me to be a mother, she raised me to be a Power Woman who's in charge of her life and needs no man to make her whole, let alone children.

This worked pretty well with my sister who has become successful beyond expectations after years and years of hard work. She has no children and she's not married, and I think she likes it this way. The realization that I didn't want her or my mother's so-called ideal life came when I was offered a chance of a lifetime to become an executive to a quickly growing company with an amazing pay rate, even a personal trainer! I turned it down because I saw what this life had done with my sister, and I wanted something more. I wanted to be a wife and a mother...

So, after a while I did settle down, get married, and had a child. I had no idea what I was in for! There were a few extenuating circumstances for a more difficult-than-usual start at being a mother, but when it came time for me to give that final push...I clamped down! I didn't want to be a mother! I had NO IDEA how to do it! (And I gave myself a 4th degree tear in the process). But out he came. They cleaned him up, I suppose...I was crying too much to see anything. They laid him on me, but I didn't know how to hold him the right way. Literally, I thank God for blessing me with a child that knew more than me on how to take care of him because the little guy just scurried right up and started nursing without any encouragement from me!

Confession #5: What Child Is This?

I had Postpartum Depression (PPD) following the birth of my Miracle Baby. Granted, A LOT of things were frantic in my house (and not just because of the baby) and only in hindsight did I see that what was dominating my thoughts and emotions were the affects of PPD.

I never held a brand new baby in my life and I was 32 when I had my son. I had no idea what breast feeding was like or how to go about it. But the worst thing by far was not feeling the bond so many say happen when caring for your child. I could not honestly say "I love you" to my son until the PPD dissipated...6 months after he was born!

I often had to hold on to him tightly so as not to throw him...it was a sad and scary time for he and I. I had so much going on in my life at that moment that I could not grasp why this tiny newborn didn't understand this. I wanted to love him and snuggle him and feel the closest I could get to God's love that people describe when bonding...but I could not.

Once the depression passed I could not get enough of my kid, so much so I think I was bordering on obsession! I think I was over-compensating...

Four years later I feel as normal as a mother could possibly feel with the world bombarding me with their own thoughts and ideas on how I should feel, but that's okay because I do feel the way I should when actually bonding with my kid.

Confession #4: Choose the Right

I believe I am always right, that my ideas are always right, and even when I'm wrong...I'm right! I'm even left-handed and when giving directions, when I mean "turn left" I say "go right". I actually think most people think they are right all the time as well. Why else would people tell me how to parent my kid in the grocery store, or where to go while driving, even though I'm pretty sure how to get to my destination. Even my doctor thinks she's right about how to live my life! So why can't I, the person living my life, be right all the time, too?

Actually, I don't really second-guess my rightness. And I don't see anything wrong with being right (obviously). I've had an eventful life, to say the least. I've been through a lot of life's experiences and come out on the other side, so I think I've earned my right to be right!

I'm not one of those that throws it in your face either. I never say, "HA! I was right!" I simply smile smugly in your direction until you acknowledge the obvious (no, not really...maybe).

I'm even right when playing games. I once played a game of Cranium four times in a row, each time on a different team, and was on the winning team each time (coincidence? No!) Now, I have a friend that witnessed that event that won't play any knowledge games with me...

Confession #3: The Dish

I am NO Suzie Homemaker! Sure, I do some chores around the house but I fight it every step of the way. But the chore I hate the most is dishes! I'm sure there's some psychological link as to why this is, like how my middle name used to be "The Dishwasher" when I was 5 years old, and how I used to break the insanely thin glasses my mother insisted we use every day. Or the crazy heavy Le Creuset pots and pans I had to clean and put away alongside the GLASS pans (seriously, who does this?!)

Oh, and when I say my name was The Dishwasher I don't mean I loaded the dirty dishes into the dishwasher, I mean we had no actual dishwasher and I scrubbed and cleaned every one of those crazy things while standing on a step-stool from the age of 5 until I moved out...well, I guess until I got married (my husband took over the task if I did everything else...I thought it was a good bargain). 

Now don't get me wrong; I can clean with the best of them and get all crazy a la Hyperbole and a Half:

but I don't like it. I've even recruited my own 4 year old in on the scheme so he can find out what it feels like to be a slave to chores at such a ripe young age...of course he battles the hand vac and child-sized broom but I like my dishes and want to keep them in one piece. Passing on the therapy tradition or teaching him life skills? You decide, I've got some cleaning to do...

Confession #2: Potty Mouth

Okay, I admit it: I have said some not-nice words with my precious child nearby. There! Now you know...but I'm trying to quit! Actually, I am and I think I've been doing a pretty good job at it. For a while these words were known to my kid as, "Mommy's Mean Words." Luckily I have a kid that wouldn't dare repeat what I say (yeah, right). No, like I said before, he's really a good kid.

Swear words were used A LOT in my house growing up and I placed myself in the company of others that used the ignorant lingo, so the habit is hard to break...even as I quickly approach 40! Why am I so harsh with the words and the people who use them? Because I think I'm right (yet another confession for another day). I have been around people and have participated in dropping F-bombs and the like for many years and I can tell you that it never sounds brilliant! It hurts my soul when I hear parents using them on their children (although, at times I can almost understand why...confession?)

Confession #1: The Babysitter

First and foremost, before you get any preconceived ideas about me; let's just get one thing straight: you're probably right! What I do or don't do is probably screwing up my kid and his future as a law-abiding, contributing member of society. So all that aside, let's get started with the confessions, shall we?

I let my kid watch TV!! That's right, the good ol' boob tube is my kid's babysitter especially when I go take a shower. I let my kid watch Netflix Kids. Of course he's a good boy and doesn't watch anything I wouldn't let him, right? That's right! He really is a good boy, so there!

I don't have any other children or anyone else at home with me. Sometimes he'll choose to play with his assortment of 1,000,000+ toys (that's another confession for another day) or even play a computer game (all educationally based, of course). But more often than not he will choose his best Zen buddy, TV.

All kidding aside, my kid really is a good kid. He's just like any other 4 1/2 year old, but better, because he's mine. So I let allow some time with the tube every day. Does that make me a bad mother? Am I truly messing him up? To be honest with you, I don't like that I choose this option but I'm still figuring things out. I was babysat by the wonderful school of TV back in the day, so I'm hoping to make my kid's life a bit better than mine. But baby steps. He doesn't watch all day, unless either one of us sick. And if given the option of watching TV or playing with me, he'll choose me EVERY TIME! So I must be doing something right.