Dad-Confessions #1 Morning Person

Confessions of a Stay-At-Home-Mom Dad

All of my life I have been what I consider a morning person, not that I am excited to wake up, but once I do, I am up, and can think clearly about whatever I need to do. It is easy to blame the unhappy part of my mornings on the evil alarm clock, and move on.

In fact, before we had a kid the Stay-At-Home-Mom used to be highly jealous that I could regularly wake up like this:

It seems that it was beyond the realm of her believability that a person could be that way (perhaps she thought I was faking it). In any case, now we have Stay-At-Home-Kid, and every morning, right next to me either at my bedside, or actually in bed next to me is a variation of this:

As you can see, even in the picture, there is only one kid, but he is as loud and annoying as six. 

I try to sleep, and pretend that I still am asleep, but Stay-At-Home-Mom wants us to get things done, so she cheerfully wakes up and entertains Stay-At-Home-Kid, while getting a start on the day

I on the other hand, have spent many days trying not to be grumpy....

but I still wake up like this.                         

Confession #24: Patience is NOT a Virtue I Posses

Okay, maybe I'm not as bad as Ol' Verruca here, but I hear this song and I can relate.

I don't (usually) want Things, I want Answers, and those are THE hardest to wait for in my opinion. Answers to Questions seem like such a simple request that can be filled, but NO! These are things I have to wait for. Oh sure, I've had my share of waiting on Things and Stuff (still am, really) but I'm thinking with hard work and diligence I can eventually reap the benefits but Answers...why don't they come sooner?

I know that I'm supposed to be a good example to my kid and NOT mope around and stamp my feet until I get what I want, but it's so hard! I want to be a Lady and wait patiently, but...

 I'm just not that Gentile any longer. I gave that up a while ago...

Still...

YES! You finally understand! So, Answers?!

Aw, MAN!

Confession #23: Aspirations

I have aspirations of becoming a Hippie Homesteader and until now, I thought I was the only one. BUT as it turns out, this seems to be a new grass roots movement. For example, the Homesteading Hippy, Hippie Homesteaders, and even the community is getting involved as the Fundy Hills group. It's nice to know that I'm not alone and that there are examples of how to achieve my aspirations.

Although I'm not sure how far I want to go in this movement. Right now I can only do so much and I test myself and my skills to see how well I am doing.

I'm having fun doing it and I feel this is the way to go for me and my family...

Seriously, my dream car but with a little more get-up-and-go and prettiness

Maybe in the next hew years, if the Lord sees fit and it profits us (in a non-monetary way, per se) we will have our Homesteaded Hippie home.

Or we move here and Homestead the inside of our house...

Either way, we will make it a home.

Confession #22: Addicted to Snuggles

Okay, I think this might be my biggest Confession EVER! I gave up exercising so I wouldn't miss out on Morning Snuggles!

Okay, there it is. I said it. ...glad I got that off my chest...

Yes, I used to be one of "those" people that woke early in the morning to go jog around my neighborhood. I did that for almost three months! (Look, I'm chubby, don't judge me) I was getting amazing results. I was feeling good, looking good, sleeping good...but something was missing. During the day my Good Feeling would wear off and I'd become grumpy for no apparent reason! I would walk around with a frown on my face and not realize it. Then it hit me!

I was missing my Snuggles! I would try and sit closer to everyone but unsatisfied, I would still end up grumpy. This gave me food for thought while jogging around in the wee hours. It took me a couple of days to make the final decision. I knew I would have to give up my morning jogs. My morning cuddles were too important.

I know I should have found another time of day to go out, but the later in the day it got, the more reasons piled up not to go. And I couldn't get myself up any earlier than I had already...

So here I am: a little chubby, a lot happy, and filled with snuggles.

Confession #21: Good Mom/Bad Mom

   You ever have one of those days (or even weeks) where you simply love being a Mom and you think your kids are the most perfect and wonderful gifts you could ever have been blessed with? I'm sure you have, especially if you have more than one child. I know I have. Sometimes when I look at my son I think he is such a sweet and silly little angel I could not live without. The way he tilts his head, the way he smiles, the way he giggles at the simplest things...

And then there are those other days, weeks, and even a whole month...

Where you could just rip that little smirk off their sweet little faces and feed it to them! AMIRITE?!
It's okay, because I know we ALL have those days, weeks, and months. That's what being a parent is sometimes. We wish it was all sweet and snuggly. Realistically we hope the Bad doesn't last too long. Sadly, we know it will be back.

But that's okay, because dealing with the Ups and Downs of Mommy (and Daddy) -hood is what it's all about! Despite the Bad times, we know there are more Good times. More of the "Mommy I love you", less of the "You don't know anything" times. It's hard, but it's worth it!

Confession #20: Left the Sun for Snow and I LOVE It!

I know you must think I'm crazy to have left ^this for...

...THIS...

BUT I love it!

I gladly leave behind the 100+ degree Summers for the, at times, -0 degree Winters. I love the freedom I feel here. Yes, California is free too, but some of my feelings of freedom come from more than just less nanny laws and litigation! My kid feels free, too. He LOVES the snow and carpeted floors (we only had wood and tile in our last house). Being a Stay-At-Home Mom doesn't leave a bad taste in the mouths of people here. Often I felt I was being judged for wanting to stay home and be with my kid.

And Cali-folk may hate me for this, but Idahoans are more polite and nicer! It's true! Me and this other car were apparently going for the same parking spot. The other car felt I was the one that got there first and offered me the spot with a smile! That didn't happen in California.

Yes, this is all speculation of course, but it's how I feel.

I'm been in heat-stroke-inducing weather for far too long....

And I'm ready for the freeze-your-tuckus-off kind...

Confession #19: I Give To Receive...CARDS!

Okay, I admit it! I send out Christmas cards so I will get some in return. Especially this year since we moved and a lot of people didn't have our new address! And this year we sent out the loved/hated uniform family letter sans card. It was all we could do with the crazy move and trying to deal with our new situation. I finally bowed to the Christmas letter and got my much-beloved wall of Christmas love...

I think I achieved my goal very nicely, don't you think? ;-)

Confession #18: Bah Humbug!

I must admit, I have never really liked Christmas. I've never really had a good Christmas, so I guess that counts for my holiday apathy. Even as an adult I've had hard times that seem to run around the holiday season.

I've always felt like a grump, a Grinch...

I'm hoping for a new way of thinking for the next holiday season. Check in next time for how I hope to achieve that...

Confession #17: Why I Blog

I know when looking through the myriad blogs out there in the blogosphere, "Why do they do it?" Some people have loads of followers and awesome posts answering life's questions: food, crafts, motherhood. So why, with my zero followers and self-plugging do I blog?

Because I want to. This is my form of cheap therapy. If I can think, feel like other people read this stuff then maybe, just maybe someone out there will get me. Someone will understand and say, "I feel, think, act the same way!" In essence I'm looking for others like me. I'm hoping I'm not the only loon that thinks the way I do, that does the things I do. That in some small way I will be found guiltless before the Grand Blogger and Reader because, really, they think and act similarly and judging me would be like judging themselves.

I know I'm dramatic, but hey! That's just me I guess.

Confession #16: Running On Empty

At the beginning of the year, I went for a jog every single morning (except Sunday...girl's gotta rest sometime!) I had a training schedule and everything because after a near 20 year hiatus, I was going to complete a 5K! That's right! Weighing in at a whopping 260 pounds, come heck or high water, I was determined to do this 5K by the middle of March.

And for a little over 2 months I was out there plugging along early in the morning with my trusty dog Lucie. But then...then I started losing interest in it all. I was no longer feeling fulfilled as I once was when I first started out. I searched inwardly for the answer, hoping and praying it wasn't just because I was fat and lazy. And YEA! It wasn't because I was fat and lazy...it was because I was missing something. I can't believe it took me so long to realize but I was missing my morning snuggles.

That's right folks. I still snuggle my 4 1/2 year old in bed in the mornings...well, most mornings. Some mornings snuggling is "boring" (his word, not mine). I realized that my good mood was set by the warm fuzzies a young snuggle can bring.

I decided that the snuggles were more important to me right now than jogging in the morning with the dog. But just in case you thought I wimped out on that 5k...

TA-DA! I went through with it and made it the finish line. I can't tell you my time because I wasn't keeping track. This run was all for me!

Confession #15: I LOVE My Husband!

My Great Grandmother and the Love of her life

I suppose it should be no surprise that I truly love my husband, but I just had to make this confession today because today is our anniversary! We have had a rocky time at being married (I'm sure you have no idea what I'm talking about)...We've had some crazy things happen to us that I thought NEVER would, some good, some bad. Finally, after 8 years I think I have figured out all the answers to every marriage question, how to be not only the perfect wife but also the perfect mother, know how to completely balance a checkbook, donate to all the right organizations...ah, the list can on and on!

...not really...

I only know of some things NOT to do...sometimes BUT I do know that I have finally found the Best Friend I have been searching for my ENTIRE life.

When I think about my marriage and the man who wakes up beside me every morning despite all the things that have tried to stop that from happening and that song from The Sound of Music comes to my mind. You know the one...

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Yeah, that's about right... 

Confession #14: Okay, So I DON'T Know It All

Okay, so I don't have a diploma from the Knowitall University...I admit I know practically NOTHING about a lot of things. Today some friends and I were talking about unity and family and how they keep it all together and I realized I don't have any of that! I don't have family unity and I don't have the personal examples they all seemed to have. I was even asked my opinion on something and I had to admit that I had no clue and that in fact I was taking notes on what they were talking about!

I thought I was doing okay but in reality everything is so mixed up. Nothing is in order, nothing is set right. Of course I can excuse some of it because we're in the middle of a huge move for my little family but I can think back a few years and realize how lost I really was/am.

I was listening and taking mental note on what was said and how happy everyone was talking about how their families get together and talk about stuff, how they've supported each other through thick and thin, and I was sad. One lady piped up and told me I shouldn't be sad because I can start all of this right now for my own little circle. Then I was overwhelmed because instead of having years of experience and examples of what to do and what not to do, I have to start from scratch! Sure, I have friend's examples but I no one to call in the middle of the night when things are really, really bad and I need reassurance right then and there...it's just me, and my husband, and God.

I suppose I'm the pioneer on more levels than I thought...yet another thing I didn't know about...

Confession #13: Sometimes I Just Want to Strangle My Kid!

Okay, I admit it: sometimes I want to wrangle my kid's neck! Don't get me wrong; I LOVE my kid, but there are times that he does or says, or doesn't do or say things that make me...OOOHHH!

(Just so you know, no children, including mine, have been harmed in the making of this blog)

It gets worse or so I hear. My sweet little cuddle-bug who longed for me to hold him is pushing away, and that's supposed to be a good thing. I'm trying to recognize this now so when he's a teenager I'm not thrown completely off my guard! One can only hope...

Confession #12: I'm Deathly Afraid of Death

As far back as I can remember, I have been afraid of death and dying. I had animals die and distant relatives die, some older friends die...none of which brought me to the understanding of the act much less subside my fears. It wasn't until our time with cancer and necrotizing fasciitis that my fear truly became palpable.

I'm a control freak and suddenly coming to the realization that I have absolutely NO control over what happens in my life but that the only thing I do have control over is my reaction to it all was and is too much! I have spent the last 4 1/2 years trying to cope with it all.

I thought that with the birth of my son that my life was really starting only to find that it was trying to end. I felt I was at the beginning of something wonderful instead of something beyond my scope of reasoning. Then I read in my current book something that helps me to come to terms with "beginnings". It says, "Beginnings could happen more than once, or in different ways. You could think you were starting afresh, when actually what you were doing was carrying on as before." MIND BLOWN!

We're about to make the biggest physical move since we have been married. I thought we were starting something big and new in our lives a few months ago with school and weight loss, and Pampered Chef, just to find out it was only in preparation of what was to come. Not death exactly but maybe in a different form. Death of a life too frustrating to explain and the start of a new life, per say, in the way of a move?

I don't know, either way I'm still scared...

Confession #10: Bon Bons and Soap Operas

Okay, I admit it! I used to sit on the sofa watching soap operas, eating bon bons! Just so you know, I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. LOL

I learned it by watching my mother doing it while I growing up. I also had a Spanish nanny that would watch nothing else! I learned a lot about Latin love from those shows.

I didn't know what bon bons were, really. I heard people make fun of those that partook of the delicious treats but never understood that those were what my mother would sit and eat, stereotypically every single day.

So like every bad habit, I had to try it once and I was hooked. I mean, how can you turn down chocolatized sweets and learning of the new relationship Erica Kane and her crazy family?!

What's really funny is that I don't even watch TV anymore and definitely don't know what's going on in the soap world. The last time I watched a soap, Sarah Michelle Geller was on Swans Crossing and One Life to Live was HOT!

Confession #9: Inadequacy

 We all have feelings of inadequacy, right? I'm not the only one? I have a problem...I constantly compare myself to others and I find myself lacking. I want to be the perfect mom with my perfect 2.7 children. I want to have the perfectly clean home and have my children be brilliant and polite simply because that's the way I am.
But I don't.

Sure my kid has moments of brilliance and he is a complete gentleman...anywhere but at home. My house is certainly not clean and I am no one to look up to as the paragon of mothers everywhere.

I wasn't raised by the best of mothers either. She certainly had her faults and I'm sure I'm as hard on her as I am on myself. But that's because I think I can do better...sometimes. Other times I think that this is as good as I get and I wonder if that's good enough.

But I'm nearly 99.9% certain I am not alone in this confession, merely for the fact that we are all human and humans are screwing up all over the place: at home, at work, at church, in society at-large.

My kid seems to think I'm doing okay, most of the time. When he's hurting I'm the one he runs to. When I get him from Playcare, he immediately jumps off the lap of another mother to come running to me. He's excited to get me up in the morning and snuggle if only for a little bit now. And I suppose that is enough, for now. I have room for improvement of course, but if I realize this and move on learning something new every day, I think we'll both turn out alright.

Confession #8: I LIVE For Platitudes

I love inspiring words, even if they are misquoted at times. Something about a platitude makes me think just a little more. I know they can be trite and vague, but I guess that's just who I am and that's why they speak to me the way they do...

I often do the things that are mentioned in these tidbits of inspiration. I have lived my life and these seem to say exactly what I've been through!

SEE?!

I know platitudes get a lot of guff for not being filled with wisdom for all and this article explains the possible reasons behind it all and what the difference between platitudes and maxims are. For my part, maxims tend to be more sarcastic and pessimistic whereas a good platitude seeks to inspire in a sometimes naive tone.

Confession #7: I Breastfed!

That's right folks! Despite my complete lack of Mommy training, I breastfed my kid. Thankfully God saw fit that my son knew what to do from birth. But my true confession isn't simply that I chose me over can, but that I did so for 2 1/2 years. Yes, YEARS!

I saw to it that my kid would get the most benefit of being a baby. I did my research. I found that breastfeeding was most beneficial in this disease-riddled world. I also must admit here that I was determined to breastfeed because my husband was diagnosed with cancer just two weeks after our son was born. SO with cancer knocking at his back door, I had to make sure I was offering him THE best I could.

It may seem more than a little crazy to feed from the boob longer than 6 months (and boy did I get the riot act when I continued WAY past that from family). Here's the truth of it all: I felt this was the ONLY thing I could get right as a new mommy knowing nothing. Breastfeeding literally came naturally to me...and my son. I didn't need any counseling, I didn't need any help. I would tell docs and fam alike, "I got this!" Plus, he was so cute when he would find the Boppy that I hid and had it dragging down the hall telling me he found it so we could have our "Special Time"!

It broke my heart to finally let go of this vice. But I let it end just as naturally as it had begun. I stopped reminding him. I stopped offering it. I waited until he brought it up and when he hadn't for two days, it was over. My body stopped producing and our "Special Time" ended.

We still do stuff together and have fun and I would call that Special but it will never be the same...I suppose it shouldn't, but I still miss it.

Confession #6: On My Own

I was not an only child but my sister and I were 8 1/2 years apart and never very close. I was the baby of my ENTIRE family until I was 18 when my cousin had his first child. I never babysat a baby in my life. I never held a baby, never changed a diaper, nothing! I was never shown how or what to expect. My mother never raised me to be a mother, she raised me to be a Power Woman who's in charge of her life and needs no man to make her whole, let alone children.

This worked pretty well with my sister who has become successful beyond expectations after years and years of hard work. She has no children and she's not married, and I think she likes it this way. The realization that I didn't want her or my mother's so-called ideal life came when I was offered a chance of a lifetime to become an executive to a quickly growing company with an amazing pay rate, even a personal trainer! I turned it down because I saw what this life had done with my sister, and I wanted something more. I wanted to be a wife and a mother...

So, after a while I did settle down, get married, and had a child. I had no idea what I was in for! There were a few extenuating circumstances for a more difficult-than-usual start at being a mother, but when it came time for me to give that final push...I clamped down! I didn't want to be a mother! I had NO IDEA how to do it! (And I gave myself a 4th degree tear in the process). But out he came. They cleaned him up, I suppose...I was crying too much to see anything. They laid him on me, but I didn't know how to hold him the right way. Literally, I thank God for blessing me with a child that knew more than me on how to take care of him because the little guy just scurried right up and started nursing without any encouragement from me!

Confession #5: What Child Is This?

I had Postpartum Depression (PPD) following the birth of my Miracle Baby. Granted, A LOT of things were frantic in my house (and not just because of the baby) and only in hindsight did I see that what was dominating my thoughts and emotions were the affects of PPD.

I never held a brand new baby in my life and I was 32 when I had my son. I had no idea what breast feeding was like or how to go about it. But the worst thing by far was not feeling the bond so many say happen when caring for your child. I could not honestly say "I love you" to my son until the PPD dissipated...6 months after he was born!

I often had to hold on to him tightly so as not to throw him...it was a sad and scary time for he and I. I had so much going on in my life at that moment that I could not grasp why this tiny newborn didn't understand this. I wanted to love him and snuggle him and feel the closest I could get to God's love that people describe when bonding...but I could not.

Once the depression passed I could not get enough of my kid, so much so I think I was bordering on obsession! I think I was over-compensating...

Four years later I feel as normal as a mother could possibly feel with the world bombarding me with their own thoughts and ideas on how I should feel, but that's okay because I do feel the way I should when actually bonding with my kid.